Life Can't Stay Perfect for Long

Sometimes I don’t even know where to begin with what I want to say. Last Wednesday, May 4^th, Brytnee gave me the news that she was pregnant. I have been crying for days now. She was so scared to tell me. I can’t even blame her. Of course, I asked her about an abortion and even though she knows that would be the best thing for her, she cannot emotionally handle it. She talks about adoption and with so many months to go, I don’t know if she will even be able to do that. I just hope and pray she does.

She will be moving in with Shauna for some time. Now that is going to be an experience for everyone. I just want Bryt to be good and follow her rules ... ... OH. . Please! Again, I want to bring her home and try to fix everything. Does this feeling ever go away? I don’t think it will with her. I don’t worry like this with Shandee and Cris. My baby girl I do.

Two states apart is killing me. I want to help her with all of the hard things she has to get done. Help keep her organized, appointments for everything. I am a mess and I don’t usually get this way.

Cris and I have less than a month to move in with Robert. I have so much going on at work I can’t think straight sometimes. I am so overwhelmed some days. Lists, lots and lots of lists.

Robert is working in San Leandro and doing RWP at the same time. He still has to get Cris’ room done for him. I feel so bad for all the hard work he is doing. He is so tired most days. Damn, we are both exhausted.

I am too old for this entire BS.

The good things. I need to focus on the good things. J It is our 2 year anniversary this week. A wonderful dinner, looking at rings and deciding on when and where to get married. I like this whole eloping part. I like feeling like this.

Now can the rest of everything fall back into place?

Life is What it Should Be

Here it is May 2^nd and less than 30days from living full time with my perfect man. He isn’t perfect, but he is MY perfect. I have to admit that I am a little scared. I didn’t think I would be, but I am. This is moving closer to us getting married and that scares me even more. Not in any bad ways, just in vulnerable ways. Those, I have been in love before, but this one is the real deal, ways. The, I don’t want to ever live without you ways. I keep re-reading my words and I am so corny. But I love feeling this way too. <3

CJ isn’t too pleased about his free nights and anonymity being taken away. But there are prices to pay for being young and going to a good college. He will soon learn just how busy he will be and how much of his time will be taken up with school and all if it activities. 

I can’t explain how good it feels to have a double income again and some pressures relieved and someone to share decisions with. I do some much better with a partner in finance. WHEW.

Life is finally feeling complete and what I thought my life should be. How did I ever deserve what I have? I am so very blessed with my family!!!

My Lost Daughter

Here it is, just about the middle of April. I LOVE spring! I get to plant a wonderful vegetable garden and play in all of my flower beds. I can spend the whole day in my yard and just tinker. But today I am missing my beautiful 20yo daughter. She is having such a hard time growing up. I cry most days for her. That isn’t like me; anyone would tell you that I am not a crier. No, I am the fixer. The one that will make everything all better. But I can’t this time and it hurts. I have to let her fall and boy is she falling hard, all on her own. I talk to her most days and this weekend was the first time she had to sleep in her car. All I could do was to encourage her with what she needed to do and to stay positive. I remember when I had no choice but to be on my own at 18yo and there were times I didn’t think I could do it. But I did and I know she will. 

I am not a prayer, but I prayer for her. I pray for her to come home to CA and be happy. I pray for nothing bad to happen to my baby.  I pray for her home where I can make things better for her. Again, so I can be the fixer. Oh my, that won’t work forever but right now the thought makes me feel better.  I pray she stops fighting so hard to do things in such a difficult way and finish her college courses by July, keep positive friends, COME HOME and be happy.

I love you Brytnee!!

The Love of My Life

Almost two years ago I met the most amazing man on Yahoo. As anal as I, clean freak. J The tall, dark and handsome that we all hope to find. I have thought that I was in love before and can honestly say that when I got married I was in love, but this time is different. Is it my older age? I don’t know but I do know that I have never felt like I could not be without someone.

Each relationship I have been in I was always planning for what if. What I needed to do if it did not work. How was I going to be able to survive? After I had children it then became about always being able to take care of me and my children. The relationship was just the other thing. Don’t get me wrong. I had a 10 year relationship that was very good and very family oriented. But there was always the plan in the back on my mind for me and mine.

In many ways I don’t feel I deserve him. I am the ultimate independent women. Stubborn as hell.  I can take care of myself and my children very well without anyone. I vowed that I was NEVER going to be my father and I am not. My family would never suffer because of my laziness and never suffer from my hand. Laziness is a little harsh. My father was an ill man that also endured whatever horrible things his own father bestowed upon him. 

Anyway, as I sit here late and put my thoughts into words about a man that I am so very lucky to be in love with. I can only thank whatever angel brought us together. He spoils me every day and in the most simplest of ways. The cup of coffee he brings me every morning in bed. The text message “I miss you” after seeing me only but that morning. How he laughs at me, no with me but really it’s at me, while he is teaching me to golf. I know I look like a fool and I appreciate that he will tell me that and then we just laugh.  

Rain and Gardens March 23, 2011

It has been raining for days and I am beyond done with this dreary weather. I need sunshine and some warmth. I hate feeling like a slug and being in the house. A couple of weekends ago we had a small break long enough for me to plant in my garden. As a matter of fact it was on my birthday, March 13^th. I uncovered a small section and planted potatoes, radishes and cucumbers. I have not tried potatoes before and look very forward to how they are going to grow. I planted pansies in my flower gardens and sure enough those darn slugs and snails are having a wonderful feast right before my eyes. I am out of snail bait and the old fashion beer in a cup has been working until I can get to the store. Amazing that even the diluted beer (from the rain) has worked. 

I have one wine barrel left and I think I will plant sunflowers in it this year and put them in a nice corner in my front yard. This will be covering the make shift wood gate my man has put on our side yard. He has been too busy to make a real gate yet. Oh well, it is very funny to watch him have too unscrew it every time he needs something from the side yard. I, on the other hand am small enough to climb over everything from the back yard.

I need more yard art. The thrift store this weekend was of no help. I need the rain to stop even more so that I can venture through the many yard sales for unusual things to place in unusual places. I am thinking of some old window frames or doors maybe, something of that sort. This may take me some time to find, but when I do it will just pop out at me. Most things like this do. Antique stores, that is a good spot. Another good idea.

Wednesday March 16, 2011

When things are going good, it seems I have a hard time thinking about what to write. Today I am especially happy and for no real reason. My car just cost me an arm and leg to fix, but that didn’t even stress me out.

I was talking to Shandee yesterday about Emma. I am again amazed how my grandbaby is so much like her mother. I love reliving my experiences through Shandee. My little peanut is just an easy baby (so far) and I hope she stays that way.

I hope that Shandee is having an easy time with her step-son. If she knew I called him her step-son she would be very upset. But there needs to be a clarification sometimes and this is one of them. Ryan is so sweet and being six, I am sure he is struggling with having to share everyone’s time with his new baby sister.  He came to see her in the hospital and after everything he told Shandee “She is still annoying”. I had to laugh out loud. I know she reassures him that Momma has enough love for both of them. But being such a young mother you sometimes don’t see how simple actions affect those around.

WOW, the wisdom I seem to have. I like my age and everything that is coming with it. I have an amazing man, which I don’t even come close to deserving. He is not perfect, but he is my perfect!! He is an example of strong, gentle, caring, and kind. CJ has always been my protector and he has finally let Robert take over most of that role.

CJ; what do I say about my handsome young man?  He is far too much like me, but in many of the goods ways that I like. I like that he is anal, driven and sometimes a little high on himself. But I created that in him. He is one of my very best friends. We have a blast with one other. Oh, the stories we make up. Only we can be in our world and no one understands. I wonder if most mother’s have this same kind of relationship with their sons? He will always kiss me good bye and never forgets an “I Love You”. He is attending the University of the Pacific this fall. Bio-chemistry . . .WOW. If only he wanted to be a doctor, but he hates needles and hospitals. I get to keep him at home for a few more years, he is smart about not moving out and saving money.

Well, more again later. I have planted some of my garden. I can always talk about that passion of my life.

Quote - We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.

 

Tuesday March 15, 2011

This is the first time I have thought about blogging. But what do I blog about? My mother, who passed when I was very young, always talked about keeping a journal. Here we are in the present and these journals have turned into blogs for everyone to read and comment on. (If we so choose)

I am a new grandma (Nana) and don’t know exactly how to explain this new found love I have for my granddaughter. Different from when my own children were born but the same. I also did not imagine being a Nana at only 43, but I do love it. How fun will it be to be there with her growing up and still be this young? Each morning I receive a good morning picture text. I look forward to that text every day. Watching Emma change right before my eyes as she grows so fast. She is almost two weeks old and changes every day.

My daughter, Shandee, has been given this new gift and I am amazed at how our baby, Emma, is so very much like her mother when she was born. I was blessed with the easiest baby as my first and oldest child. She was very happy and content from the moment she was born. What a joy to be able to relive this experience through my beautiful adult daughter.

On another note, my baby boy is starting college this fall. I am so proud of him for being accepted in the University of the Pacific bio-chemistry program.  He has such determination with the extreme goals he has set for himself. He is the most like me and sometimes I worry about him burning himself out. I am excited for him and can’t wait to see what he grows up to be? Him being able to live at home is helping me deal with my last growing up. 

Over a year ago my now 19yo daughter was going through a pretty tough time. The only way I could deal with her was to issue some tough love and send her two states away to live with her dad. This has worked and not worked. She started school, had and lost three jobs, been arrested for paraphernalia, and pretty much drove her father and step-mother crazy. In the last several months, she has finally pulled her head out of her ass and really worked hard to be able to come home again. She wants to live by our rules and continue school at home. I even have had the pleasure of her telling me, already, thank you for the way I raised her, for being a strict mother, even for my anal crazy way of cleaning the house. I can’t wait for her to be home!